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  • Christian Durham

Contemplating one's naval in a Known Word Order 4

So occasionally I have been back to walking up and down the stairs in the block for some exercise. It doesn’t get easier. Whoever said exercise gets easier, deserves to eat slightly out of date, fizzy pineapple for a week!

But I have started to listen to music as I go up and down. I know that is what iphones are made for but I still struggle working out how to get my music on the flipping thing so it’s a miracle I can get it to play anything!

Anyway, I have a thing called a playlist apparently which has some singles in/on/under/infused/growing out of it or whatever. Most of these are random songs I have liked and at some point actually purchased. They range from Tub Thumping to a variety of Madness songs and even some 2 Cellos. Anyway, I have noticed, that each song tends to last 9 – 9.5 storeys of sweaty suffering and climbing. It’s bizarre. I can go through about 7 or 8 of those songs and they always fade out (who writes an actual ending to a song these days?!) at the 9 – 9.5 storey point.

Is there a ‘dummies guide to song writing’ that says a good song needs to be the same amount of time that Christian Durham takes to climb and descend 9 odd storeys of stairs? If there is, I am slightly flattered. Thank you.

I suppose that is probably unlikely and perhaps radio stations demand that songs are a certain length for the sake of their listeners. Perhaps there is a fear that if a song goes on too long, that the listeners will flick to another channel and be lost forever to them.

Obviously there are exceptions to this rule. Bohemian rhapsody is one, I can think of. Perhaps I should download it and see how many steps that one takes. Wouldn’t it be spooky if it was exactly double: 18-19 storeys in duration. Probably not that spooky a thing compared to things like ghosts, or books suddenly flying across the room (without impetus from an angry partner complaining that I should not be cutting the fat off his bacon rashers, grilling them until they are wonderfully crispy and savouring every delicious mouthful of them) or when you wake up in the middle of the night and realise there is an axe-wielding murderer at the bottom of the bed and you can’t run outside screaming because a) it’ll wake the neighbours and sleep is very important to both mental and physical health b) Covid 19 says you can only leave the house to go to the supermarket and c) I don’t have enough clothes on and no-one wants to see that!

AnyHoo! Going back to the thing about songs having no endings. What is that about? Do composers just run out of energy after composing the first bit of a song to write an ending. Lyricists tend to finish a lyric. What gives composers the right to not bother with an ending. A fade out at the end of a song is like a lyricist rhyming ‘menstrual’ with ‘minstrel’. It’s close but no cigar. It’s lazy writing, in my humble and often ignored opinion. So song writers – why?

I’m slightly biased as working in the wonderful world of musical theatre – or as I call it ‘arty- farty bollocks’ most MT composers wouldn’t dream of fading out a song. I suppose it would be interesting to try and get a performer to try and fade out their voice as they got to the end of a song and find a thought process for said doing. Obviously you could get the sound department to fade the song out, but then it would turn into mime and I’m not sure that exists anymore.

Anyway, moving on, my next job today is either reseal the shower cubicle or try and delete some of the 20,000 emails that have been amassing in my inboxs over the last 7 or 8 years. It’s a fulfilling time at the moment.

Wish me luck and Happy National Crayon Day!


PS: if anyone has seen my Reading List in Safari that has just disappeared completely, please ask it to come back. I promise to read you.

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